I Don’t Have a Method

Preparing to go to school has always been the hardest season of my life. As someone who has been in the boarding house since she was 9, being in school is definitely not the hardest part. But preparing and planning has always been hard.

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First term JSS1 was so exciting. I had all this packing to do and I was going to be in school on my own. I was a big girl. Oh! How I loved that word. The day my mommy dropped me, they wouldn’t let her enter the hostel to see my bed and she didn’t like it but I wasn’t bothered. I was a big girl now, I told her my goodbyes and assured her I was going to be fine. That was the last time I felt such excitement. The next term after school dealt with me, I dreaded preparing to go back to school.

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Normally, I would spend at least two weeks to prepare myself both mentally and physically and I would worry. Worry is even an understatement. What would I meet? What things were waiting for me? Who was going to hurt me? Preparing myself mentally was imagining the worst possible scenarios and imagining how to deal with them. I took that habit to the University, dreading each single moment before school. Have you ever heard your heart pound so fast because of worry? Well, I have and it’s a wonder I don’t have high BP. There’s a lot to thank God for ooo.

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I would worry and obsess about my room and roommate. The floor I would be on, the clothes I would wear, my hair, who was going to be my friend, who I would walk with to classes, even the chapel services, whatever. I would worry about absolutely everything. Then I would start imagining the best and worst scenarios and how i would deal with them in my own capacity.
Who has ever felt this? You’re on your way to school and then when you get closer you start seeing familiar landmarks that make you realize that you’re getting closer. Even if you weren’t scared before, seeing those signs would make you sick and uncomfortable and make your stomach turn. For my junior secondary, it was the famous Hotel Newcastle sign in front of Anthony Village. Even the skies look different from there, everything is just blue and white and up till now, i hate seeing those colours together.

For Senior secondary, it was the ikotun egbe market and one bus stop that read Dopemu or so. Now for University, it’s those canaanland walls. I can see them now in my mind’s eyes, the designs, the colours and then those plazas on the other sides of the road. They make me sick, like a transition from king’s landing to winterfell. The atmosphere is strange and it sickens me.

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But this time it’s different. I don’t have a method.
I’m almost not worrying about anything. I said almost because I may have done a little bit of worrying, but nothing serious. My heart is not pounding, my brain is not conjuring up different things. I’m not waking up at night with my stomach turning because my thoughts projected into my dreams.

Why?
Because this holiday has been preparing me, even though I didn’t know it. I have learnt to trust God completely. I have learnt to surrender completely to God’s design for my life this semester and beyond. I have learnt that when I’m weak, the power of Christ will be perfected in me. So now even my weaknesses and shortcomings will be an advantage for me in school. I have learnt that even when I can’t trust anything, I can trust that God loves me and everything is working for my good. I know that in the midst of my troubles, tests, pain God is there. I have prayed and told him that what I want now is that my life will be used for his glory and I know that He will do it for me. I am no longer in control of anything because I have chosen to move over to the sidelines and let Christ be at the center. It’s a wonderful feeling.

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I don’t have a method, I have Christ and that’s that.

I won’t lie to you and say I don’t wonder sometimes but in the midst of all that, is my complete trust in Christ.

So, you can quit worrying and resolve that you will never stop trusting God, whoever and whatever comes in your way, as you resume school or move into that next phase of your life. Jesus is and will always be Lord, that should always be your confession. I promise you that life will be better.
That being said, I hope you’ll pray for me as I will always be praying for you.

Who’s resuming school soon or who just resumed? Tell me what it’s like in your mind and if you’re ready? will you start trusting that God will make everything fine?

I love you guys.

p.s Dont forget to follow the blog’s IG page @thescarlettjournal. We are trying to build a very active community there

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